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The door slid open, jolting me from my reverie. I heard soft footsteps patter quietly into the room. I didn't move, waiting..."Aoshi-sama," she called out softly.
I lowered my hand and the smooth dark strands of my hair fell like waves on my brow, shielding my face from the sun. I opened my eyes, ignoring the sting of my perspiration as I blinked it away, and turned to her.
She stood in the middle of the room, hands clasped, slender form gracefully erect. Her dark hair shone with a burnished gleam in the light, bringing out the startling blueness of her eyes, eyes which were staring gravely at me. I let the familiar sense of calmness and well-being which always comes at the sight of her soothe me. I have never understood why I felt this way, couldn't even begin to explain what exactly it was I felt, but it was something which I knew would never fail me. Like light, it was a burning need and, for the moment, it was enough for me.
"Misao," I murmured.
She didn't speak for a while. I didn't mind. It only gave me more time to watch her. Besides, I myself found it hard to say anything to her. Most of the time, I was more than content to let her do all the talking as she lulled me into lazy restfulness with her usual stream of chatter and laughing gaiety. I have often wondered if her presence in my life was just the calm before the raging storm , a temporary respite from the tormenting uncertainty and guilt which gnawed at me whenever she is gone. So many times, I found myself wanting more and more to stretch this idyll, if idyll you could call the extraordinary simplicity and warmth of life with her, to forever. I knew she couldn't stay with me for the rest of her life. I understood all too clearly that she couldn't ever be contented with me. She was a person who deserved all the happiness in the world and that happiness I couldn't give her because I had none myself. But, for now, let me bask in her healing light. Give me this chance to mend the tattered edges of my soul. And let me forget the future because there I see only a stifling emptiness.
Finally, she seemed to come to a decision and, taking a deep breath, she looked at me. Immediately, I felt a sense of foreboding, the first faint stirrings of-fear. She was strangely hesitant and her face was pale. Her usual vitality had all but deserted her and in its place was a palpable aura of sadness and regret. But of what?
"I have come to say goodbye."
I started in surprise, totally caught off-guard. What was she saying?
"Not goodbye as in goodbye, of course," she said and laughed hollowly. Her laugh sounded like the mournful toll of an old bell. I didn't respond, my mind frantically trying to grasp her words and, at the same time, erecting a barrier to keep them out before they reached to my hea--
"I've realized that I'm a nuisance to you," she continued and she looked away. I thought I saw a glint of moisture in her blue eyes but when she looked back at me, her face was calm and composed. I was frozen in place, unable to believe what she was telling me. A nuisance? I tried to open my mouth, to say something, but I couldn't summon the will to break through the icy numbness which was beginning to surround me. I felt paralyzed, cold. Slowly the light began to dim.
"So, don't worry I won't bother you anymore," she said and she smiled at me. "I've been thinking these past few days about my life and all..." she paused, as if waiting for a signal from me. I didn't respond, too caught up in my own turmoil to notice hers. "...and it's just that it seemed like I was going nowhere. I mean that it's time I start thinking of myself for a change and--and--" she took a deep breath but her gaze never left mine, "--that I need to re-orient my life towards a different direction. And--"
"What?" Was that my voice sounding so cold and unconcerned? Of course. Where my mind has failed, my body will always carry me through. And I needed to keep myself together, even more so than when Haanya and the others had died and the darkness threatened to overwhelm me...
Something in her eyes flashed. Anger? Disgust? "I don't think you belong in that direction," she blurted out. "I need to live my life without you in it." She looked away. "Please understand. I just can't go on like this."
My life was cracking apart. The future beckoned to me and it was frighteningly close. I could just jump headlong into that swirling blackness. Not now. It was too soon, too cruel. But I was living on borrowed time and fate was now exacting its dues. If she wanted to leave, who was I to stop her? She was never mine to keep. But to let her go like this...The light was retreating from me and I chased after it helplessly but I was being pulled away, sucked into that hellish chasm. I regarded her desperately, saw the resoluteness in her face. I have to say something, to give the struggle within me some solace. "Misao..."
But she was shaking her head weakly. "I know that you've always been my friend. But it's not enough for me. I need something--" she hesitated and then resumed, a hint of accusation creeping into her voice, "-more from you. I want to see you smile. I want to see you laugh. I want you to talk to me, to tell me what's troubling you. Buddha knows how hard I've tried to make you do just that but you never did! Was it something I did? Or was it *me*? I couldn't cope with that realization! And now..." she sighed, "I couldn't even care less about it anymore. It just doesn't seem worth it."
But I knew what she was telling me. I heard the silent plea behind her words. Often, I've noticed her looking me with that same hope I now saw reflected in her eyes and during those times, I always pulled away, preferring to hide behind a blank mask. I didn't want to hurt her, that was the last thing I wanted to do, but everything was too fragile, too insecure, and I didn't want to tamper with that and risk destroying my already tenuous hold on my sanity, my life. I wasn't being selfish. I just had nothing to offer. She didn't know what she was asking me. Otherwise, she would have understood. But I couldn't blame her. As she told me, she had her own life. And I have promised myself long ago that I would never tie her down in any way.
Her gaze bored searchingly into mine. I watched as her eyes darkened, her face taking on a shadowed look. And then she smiled. It was a hurt smile. A bitter smile. I felt my gut clench in pain. It was over.
She bowed at me formally before turning around quickly. I stared at her retreating back wordlessly. At the entranceway she turned. I arched forward in my seat, waiting...
"Sumimasen," she whispered and for a moment it seemed like she was blanketed in light. I wanted to reach out and touch her but I couldn't move. And then she was gone.
The door slid shut.
My hands were trembling. I clenched them into fists and watched the shadows lengthen in the floor. Already the room was getting chilly. I could hear the leaves rustle outside in the breeze. Twilight drew near.
My world was filled with darkness. Never again would I feel the warmth of welcoming light.
I sat there and the darkness grew. And grew.
Aoshi moaned again. His left arm shot up, as if he was reaching for something. Frantic, Sayuri tried to calm him down, murmuring soothingly in his ear. Gradually, Aoshi relaxed and he began to breathe regularly again. But his face was troubled, his brows knitted as if in pain. Sayuri turned to call for Okon when she heard him whisper shakily: "Misao..."
Sayuri's face hardened and she straightened abruptly. She looked down at Aoshi's sleeping form. "No," she murmured. "Not Misao, Aoshi. Never Misao." She reached out again and touched his cheek. "You must forget her. I'm here for you, aren't I?" She felt the tears rising in her eyes. "I'm here," she repeated. "You need me."
"Sayuri-san..." Okon called softly from the doorway.
Sayuri turned her head and tried to smile. "Yes?"
"Okina-sama would like to talk to you," Okon said as she entered the room. "He is in his room."
Sayuri nodded and got to her feet. "Of course. Would you look after Aoshi, please?"
Okon smiled at her. "Of course, Sayuri-san."
"Arigato," Sayuri responded and turned to Aoshi again. She spoke quietly, "He seems to be having a bad dream."
"A bad dream?" Okon asked startled and she knelt in front of Aoshi and felt his forehead. "He has no fever."
"I know. But I don't think that's necessarily a good sign," Sayuri murmured and walked out of the room.
Okon stared after her for a minute, wondering if something was wrong. She looked at Aoshi. He was sleeping peacefully but there was something different about his countenance, something which wasn't there when he was awake. Maybe he was having a bad dream. Okon adjusted his blanket and decided he could do with some soothing. "Don't worry, Aoshi-sama," she murmured. "Misao-chan is safe. And I'd bet she's coming around to see you later."
As if in response, a tremulous smile found its way to Aoshi's lips.
1. You must be wondering why I decided to insert the earlier scene in the middle of the 'fic. Basically, I wanted to establish Aoshi's side first in this entire thing before I move on to the next part.
2. Maybe this part would have been presented in a much better manner if I wrote it in HTML, right? I knew my laziness would get me nowhere ;_;
3. Too much angst? Hell, I was choking with it when I finished this. Gotta take a breather ^^