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Disclaimer: This is a Rurouni Kenshin-inspired fanfic done entirely for entertainment purposes only. Standard disclaimers apply.
Makimachi Misao felt restless. No, not restless. 'Bored would be the better word,' she thought. She lay back down on her futon with an impatient sigh.
'What's wrong with me? It's not like there's nothing to do. The Aoiya's busier than ever. Jiya's been bugging me about my training. And then there's Aoshi...'
She sat up suddenly. Aoshi had long since ceased being a part of her 'list of things to do.' She had realized the futility of loving someone who does not want to be loved. At least not by her. Misao's lips twitched wryly. Her decision to give herself peace, and Aoshi too for that matter, was a moment of maturity for her. Back then, she wanted to do everything at the same time and at her pace, blindly believing that it was all for the best. And now... Well if there was one thing that she learned during all this time, and it was a lesson painfully taught, was that you can never dictate time. You cannot always shape your destiny in just the exact way you want it. And you cannot force people to do what you feel is right for them. You cannot force love.
'And I've stopped,' Misao thought. 'Stopped banging my head against a stone wall. Stopped trying. Stopped going nowhere. I can't live Aoshi's life for him and to be fair he never asked me to. Heck, even living my own life then was becoming a problem. I needed a break.'
That was true, at least. And while her decision gave her that much-needed space to put things back in their proper perspective, she couldn't help but feel that she has also lost her purpose. She didn't know where to go. Misao was now beginning to realize that uncertainty can just be as confusing as absolute conviction in fact, even more so. She had thought that when she finally gave up on Aoshi, she can finally be Misao, not the simple puppet of an unrequited passion. And for a time, she honestly believed she had accomplished that.
'But where did that leave me?' Misao thought morosely. 'Nowhere,'a part of her answered. During the past few weeks, the other Oniwabanshuu had noted her absent-mindedness which bordered on melancholy. Misao had taken to keeping to her room, preferring the soothing quiet to the noisy bustle of the Aoiya. The others had been worried but had decided to leave her alone upon the advice of Okina. Apparently they all still thought that she was pining for Aoshi. Misao wanted to laugh at that.
And yet wasn't she? Misao refused to answer the question, thrusting it to the back of her mind. Aoshi had shown no distinct signs of having noticed her withdrawal as he himself was absorbed in his own solitude. Nowadays, he was more distant than ever, almost indifferent to what was going on around him. 'What did you expect?' Misao asked herself bitterly. Anyway she didn't care so it didn't really matter one way or another. Admittedly, during those first few days after she decided that she wouldn't have anything to do with Aoshi anymore, she had nurtured a secret hope that he would realize how much she meant to him, that he would ask her to 'stay.' But he didn't and that finally made up her mind. His seeming refusal to heed her unvoiced plea had hurt so much and she had even contemplated taking her own life. That would put an end to her suffering, once and for all. But she didn't want to surrender and with that, she found the strength she was looking for to, however trite it might sound, 'carry on.'
Yes, she had gotten over Aoshi, or so she'd thought. But then Sayuri came into their lives. Young, beautifully exquisite, an excellent fighter who hopelessly outclassed even the best of the female Oniwabanshuu. She was perfect. Sayuri was the daughter of Okina's best friend. He had entrusted Sayuri to Okina while he was abroad, a task which the latter accepted delightedly. Everyone at the Aoiya loved Sayuri on sight, even--Misao thought with a pang--Aoshi. She remembered all to clearly the night of the welcoming dinner for Sayuri. Aoshi had somehow been coaxed by Okina to join them and when he entered the dining room of the Aoiya, Misao felt petrified. He was slimmer than she remembered but his movements seemed even more graceful than before. He was pale but that only served to highlight the darkness of his hair and the elegant cast of his features. He didn't look at Misao as he came in. She somehow managed to tear her gaze away from him, a slight blush tingling her cheeks. 'Idiot,' she berated herself, 'what do you think you're doing? You've forgotten him, remember?
And then she saw Okina leading Sayuri to Aoshi, smiling beningly as he introduced them. From where she sat, Misao could see clearly the bemused expression on Sayuri's face when she saw Aoshi, the sweet smile curving her lips as she murmured a greeting. And Aoshi--Misao gulped--was staring at Sayuri in fascination and was that an answering smile forming on his mouth? Misao turned away, her thoughts in a turmoil. What's going on? She took a deep breath and risked another glance at Sayuri and Aoshi and her face paled.
Okina was gone and Aoshi and Sayuri were talking in quiet murmurs, standing very close to each other, and then Sayuri laughed and she touched Aoshi's arm and Aoshi didn't seem to mind and Misao couldn feel the stinging in her eyes and, with a muttered excuse to Okon who was seated beside her, she fled the room.
'She would make him smile,' Misao thought wearily. She ought to be happy for Aoshi and Sayuri. Okina was already muttering about engagements and weddings and at night, Misao could hear Okon gossiping with Omasu about the amount of time Aoshi and Sayuri spent together. Through it all, Misao had withdrawn even more into herself. She and Sayuri never became friends. The girl ignored her at best and for that Misao was thankful. She really didn't want firsthand information about what's going on between Sayuri and Aoshi. She only caught brief glimpses of Aoshi and during those times, he was with Sayuri. Sayuri was probably the only one who saw much of Aoshi, anyway. She brought him his tea, talked to him, laughed with him...Misao felt a pang of envy. It should have been her but Aoshi didn't want her. It was pretty obvious he wanted Sayuri, though. The girl was clearly in love with him. Misao knew the signs. She had been there before.
Before? No, not before. She knew the signs because she felt them still--'Hold it,' Misao thought. This was exactly what she was fearing. That she would once again go through the vicious cycle of loving Aoshi and this time the pain was greater because she knew there was no hope for her at all. It was so ironic. She had believed that she could cut her losses once she forgot Aoshi but she didn't and now she was paying double for her mistakes.
"What am I going to do?" she wondered aloud. The obvious answer would be to act like nothing happened. She was happy with the way things were before, after all But was she truly? Could she ever be happy? The questions seem endless with only a frightening void of nothing for an answer.